Tuesday, December 1, 2009

In which Devin plagiarizes himself for purposes of complaining about the Christmastime Music

I responded tonight to something a friend wrote on Facebook, and it ended up taking way more effort and time than I originally intended. So I figured I might as well just copy and paste it and get a blog post out of it.

It was a response to my friend Whitney's complaint about Christmas music. From what I could tell, the song "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music" had been lumped in with some Christmas music and she was wondering when that song had been classified as Christmas music. She also asserted that she hated Christmas music.

This was my response:

According to U.S. Code title 109, chapter 31, sub-chapter 45:

"(d) Any song making mention, in any language, of Christmas, Jesus, deer (rein or otherwise), gifts, cheer, joy, Santa Claus, elves (including but not limited to those indigenous to the North Pole), the North Pole, sleighs, Hanukkah, kings in groupings of three (3), one (1) or more children playing any percussion instrument(s), stockings or other non-exterior footwear, grinches, scrooges, candles, turkey, cranberries, sparkling cheeks or eyes, magic, the giving or receiving of hearts, or snow in any of its forms shall be classified as Christmas music."

So, as you can see right there in section d, the "My Favorite Things " line, "snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes," clearly fits one of the criteria set forth by law.

The law goes on to state:

"(e) Every public building, including (but not limited to) stores, churches, schools, cemeteries, underground mines, dance halls, casinos and shall be required to play Christmas Music twenty-four (24) hours daily, including non-business hours and during power-outages from 12 a.m. the day immediately following the Thanksgiving holiday until 11:59 p.m. Dec. 25. Any radio station advertising itself as playing "soft rock," "easy listening," "the best hits of the '60s, '70s and '80s" or "all the hits you love," shall be bound by the same requirement.

(f)Any citizen not listening to Paul McCartney's 'Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime' a minimum of two (2) time each week shall be sentenced to a minimum of three (3) straight days listening to Wham's 'Last Christmas.'"

I don't like it either, but until we can get enough of our people into Congress to change it, things look grim.


Carolyn said...

Very well worth plagiarizing for a larger audience. Thank you.

p.s. I read your post in which Devin searches for his dentures across the internet, and truly appreciated it (especially the title) but did not comment because I was trying to get over my own online addiction to Facebook, blogs, and CNN.com. Somehow I kidded myself that if I did not comment, there would be no footprints to prove that I was online when I had planned not to be online. ... Yes, this is likely some sort of technology-induced OCD.

K. Diane said...

Did you seriously write this. Absolutely brilliant and hilarious.

You should know that this past holiday season, I finally realized the magic behind "Last Christmas, I gehv you mah har. But the vehry next deh, you gehv it aweh." I don't know why it took me so long.

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